Egotistical self-sabotage: not great enough to be humble

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Whatever virtue you obtain, give it to others.
But then, of course, that legitimate concern shows up, manifesting itself in the inner voice that whispers “Are you sure you feel ready enough, good enough, competent enough to contribute something to the world?”
You and I have been there before.
Recently, I was reading an ancient text that focuses on the spirit of generosity. One of the key insights I got was summarized on my journal with the following words: “Whatever virtue you obtain, give it to others”. The text inspires you to take whatever form is needed to be at service to all, with all of your energies (breath, skills, presence, knowledge). And yet again, creeping in under the skin, self doubt came to visit my thoughts just on time to sabotage that spirit of generosity, suggesting that I may not know enough, be ready enough, be enough in order to give something useful to others.
Maybe to get past this catch 22 I need to cultivate a deep level of trust, at least in two ways. For one thing, the trust that in order to serve all sentient beings whatever I have to offer is useful; and that whatever effort I make to be of help will somehow someway have a chance to be useful and will have an impact.
After much thought over this, a counter-intuitive conclusion came to surface. This feels true to me, and I share it to check if and how could resonate with your own thought-processes.
EgotSelfSabotagephoto-1448550603489-a7e43b0da4d2What stands in the way to me cultivating this trust is the self-centered egotism, in both ways. It takes me egotism to shy away from my brilliance because the chronic insecurity that makes me back off from giving away my gifts is nothing but a narcissistic need for constant confirmations. On the other hand, believing that whatever practices are cultivated, or deeds performed, run the risk of not being effective to benefit all sentient beings has a double edge to it. While it may signal a healthy dose of skepticism, going all the way down the rabbit hole with such an assumption betrays an egocentric need to control, as if my self needs the gratification of truly knowing that my actions have been effective, that yes I do exist, and I am collecting evidence that my passing on this Earth is leaving a mark on the walls of history — this way I allow myself to forget that I am mortal, that every change is by nature transient, and in the longest run nothing will remain.
It bears repeating for it is a bit counter-intuitive. After some soul searching I have come to conclude that for me it takes me a heck of a lot of egocentrism to think of myself as “not good enough” and belittle myself with similar deceptive stories. And in the same guise, it does take a lot of hubris to convince myself that my actions are being insignificant — I picture an entity up above, an all-knowing force in the universe who is aware of the innumerable ways in which we impact others and knows the inner laws of causality far away in time and space, who looks down on my narrow-minded assumptions of powerlessness and smiles away: “Who the f* are you to judge you are not making an impact?”
I have lost the source of the original story, but it went like this: a powerful woman in Southern Asia in a position of political leadership had a diplomatic guest from abroad over to visit. Such guest introduced herself with an incredibly humble attitude, to which her host cut her short: “Don’t be too humble. You are not that great”.
May I remember that at all times, walking with grace the tightrope between conviction, humbleness, and guarding myself from the egocentric shadow of humility.
Does this story resonate in any way with yours? I would love to hear your stories.

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